Nate On Mom's Death: Hatred And Mixed Feelings

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Post on Dec 04, 2024

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Nate on Mom's Death: Hatred and Mixed Feelings – A Son's Raw Journey

Man, losing your mom is rough. It’s supposed to be this heart-wrenching, overwhelmingly sad thing, right? But for me, it was… complicated. A messy mix of grief, anger, and yeah, even hatred. This isn't a pretty story, but it's my story. And maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone else who's wrestling with similar, messy feelings.

The Unexpected Venom

My mom's death wasn't sudden. It was a slow, agonizing decline. Years of illness chipped away at her, at us. And during that time, resentment brewed. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just… happened. I found myself snapping at her, frustrated by her limitations, her needs. I felt trapped, like I was losing myself in the caregiving role. It was awful. The guilt I feel now, years later, is crushing.

The Anger That Wouldn't Quit

The anger didn't disappear when she died. It morphed. It became directed at her, weirdly enough. It wasn't about her being dead; it was about everything that came before. The years of unspoken resentments, the unmet expectations, the things left unsaid. All that bubbling frustration suddenly had no outlet, no target, except the empty space where she used to be.

I know it sounds awful. I hated that I felt this way, that I was harboring such dark feelings toward someone I was supposed to love unconditionally. It felt like a betrayal of everything I thought I was. It felt... unholy.

Navigating the Messy Aftermath

Therapy helped. A lot. Talking to someone who didn't judge, who just listened, was a lifesaver. It gave me space to process all the raw, ugly emotions without feeling like a monster. Slowly, I started to untangle the knots of anger and grief. I realized that my hatred wasn’t about her as a person, but about the situation, the unmet needs, and my own struggles with the role of caregiver.

Finding Peace (Slowly)

There’s still sadness, of course. A huge hole in my life. But the all-consuming anger, the hatred? That’s fading. It’s being replaced by a more complex, nuanced understanding of my relationship with my mom. An understanding that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's messy, it's complicated, but it's real.

It's important to remember that grief isn't linear. There's no right or wrong way to feel. If you're struggling with unexpected or difficult emotions after a loss, please know you're not alone. Reach out. Talk to someone. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without judgment. Healing takes time, and it's a journey, not a destination. It's okay to be messy. It's okay to feel hatred, alongside love and grief.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

Ultimately, this whole experience taught me that grief is a wild, unpredictable beast. It'll throw curveballs you never saw coming, and that's okay. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, or what to feel. Your journey is yours alone, and it's valid, even if it feels messy and contradictory. Hang in there. You'll get through this. Eventually.